My heart is not ready, healing

Monday, May 9, 2011

When someone is in your heart, they're never truly gone.
They can comeback to you, even at unlikely times.
And I believe that, no one can stop loving or caring
for someone in an instant... unless the feelings
were fake to start with.

I can't help but wonder if I'm capable of loving again.
My heart is not ready, still healing, still hurting.
Someone comes along into my life, at the right time.
Wanting to know me better, wanting to be with me.
Yet I feel myself irresistibly draw away
from this level of committing this quickly.

I have a lot of questions in my mind:
How long would you estimate would be a
normal about of time for someone to open up
to another person, after having a somewhat bumpy
relationship prior? How will I know I actually
love this person? How will I know that I'm not just
committing into it just to be the pleaser, thus starting
the door-mat type relationship all over again?
And finally, is it wrong of me to have second thoughts
about being in a committed relationship at this time?
I'm still not ready, where somehow somewhat my heart
still belong to H, where I still think about H most
of the time and missing H. Where I still believe
and still hoping that we can be back together again
would it be fair for the new person?

I know that it's ok have all these doubts. There's no set
time clock to when to say "I love you" because it's a feeling,
not a mechanical response. When and if it is time
to say it to someone new, I'll know. I won't think about it;
it will be a purely emotional response, a feeling of security.
But for now, my heart is not ready; I can tell.
Every time I tried I felt my heart being pulled
in opposite directions. It wants to let go and try but then
again it pulls back and says no way, I cant handle it.

Time is actually the only thing I know that heals all wounds.
Pain is no fun as is a broken heart is no fun.
I took time to get to know myself again after the
broken relationship. I needed to know what I wanted and
what I needed to do for me to heal. I only know
that it took time for me to get to know me,
only then could I allow someone else in again to know
me as well as me getting to know them.
I'm giving myself some time to heal
and to love myself for who I am.
So that, I can love again.

" Most relationships fail because people rush
into them before knowing anything about each other.
Take your time. Don't waste your time. "