Wednesday, August 28, 2013

This picture, symbolize exactly what my current state of emotions are. If you are a close friend of mine, you know exactly the direct translation behind this photo. I'm lost, once again I can't help but to blame myself for the lost that I've caused, no one else but me. After all, I'm the one who screw things up for us, the bad guy, and now I have to pay for the damage that I've caused which I couldn't bare myself with. 

Pain. yes, it is really painful inside. I'm back to where I was before, when you first found me, when I was lost. You saved me, from myself. Since then (previous relationship), I'm a different person in an out. I'm not who I was back then. I could not love anyone whole heartedly, I'm being more careful with every step of my life that I take. I couldn't let go and break free because I'm afraid of being hurt again. But oh dear, I was wrong, I should've let go and free myself from the pain and misery I was in back then. I'm the kind of person who is always smiling and loves to laugh. If you are falling down, I will be right there to pick you up. But you don't know that this same person is afraid of love, because I have already lost so much. Its unfair, not only to myself but to you mostly. I could love you more than I did, but I was afraid. I'm a clown, I crack jokes and being friendly is my only option to make me feel better about things.You made me forget, you made me happy again, I feel contained, you are an angel sent from above. You saved me and I couldn't thank you enough.

Sayang, just because my eyes do not show tears, doesn't mean my heart doesn't cry and I don't get hurt. Just because I come out strong, doesn't mean there is nothing wrong. Often I choose to pretend that I'm happy. So I don't have to explain myself to people who'll never understand. Smiling has always been easier for me. What happened to me before, taught me to be strong, taught me to ignore sadness, to live life to my fullest and to not show my true feelings. But I forgot, I did not take your feelings into account. I was wrong.

Baby, I know you're upset, and you have every right to be, I broke your heart into pieces. I don't think we've ever gotten into a fight like that before. But I just want you to know that those cruel things I said, well, I didn't mean them, I regret saying them. To be honest, I was mad. You hurt me, and I lashed out unfairly. Please don't take all those things I said seriously, sayang. Never in a million years did I mean to say "Fuck off." I hate using the F-word, you know me all too well. I know how much I must have hurt you. And I know I shouldn't take my frustrations out on you. I blame myself, I can't help but to hate myself for doing and saying things which hurts you.

I know I don't tell you nearly enough, that I couldn't live one day without your love. But trust me, when I say I loved you, I do. I need you, I want you. I know I wouldn't be here if not for you, when I caused you so much pain and you could've turned away, your faith held true. Your love is the key that set me free, you saved me. You loves me, despite the fact I fail you everyday. I can’t, I won’t, fall out of love. I'm not going to give up, no chance, no way and I refuse to let go. But, you gave up. I probably have caused you to much pain and I'm sorry baby, I do.

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I want to see you, I want to hear your voice. Please see me, let me mend your broken heart. I know you still got it in you, I know you still believe in us as much as I do. Please forgive me baby. Lets fall in love again, we've gone through a lot and I know we are much stronger than this sayang.

I remember all those sweet things you said, you left them running through my head. I always told you that I loved you more than you loved me, but I know deep down your love is greater than mine. You are always there, you are everywhere. But right now I wish you are here. I need you.

I'm sorry, I really am. I need you, please come back! I love you and I miss you Snuggly Boo Bear.